All posts tagged with sitrep
Call of Duty: Ghosts

By on November 8, 2013 at 10:14 am

Possibly like a lot of discerning gamebros (and sisters. ‘Gamesisses’ is a bit Lord Varys, though), I’ve been wondering for ages: When are people going to realise en masse that Call of Duty could stand to stand down? At least until it gets its life together. You can’t just get one awesome haircut and then leave it for years. You’ll end up getting into technical death metal by hirsute default.

…which is awesome, not sure where I was going with that. I guess I started to make a good impression and then totally ruined it straight away by spiralling into irrelevance. Meta as hell and you love it: EXPLOSIONS! Wow! Aaand then whatever.

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Tension

By on October 30, 2013 at 4:36 pm

Right now I am eating a bag of Blair’s Death Rain Habanero Pepper Cauldron Cooked Potato Chips. I am sweating, man.

The bag itself has “FEEL ALIVE!” down the side and a picture of a little thermometer all the way in the red with “OMG!” written under it. That is how Blair has decided these chips measure on the temp scale: Oh My God. Blair is an honest and fair man. I started seeing through time a while ago. I also started thinking: When was the last time a game made me sweat this much?

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Bunny Hopping Soldiers

By on October 23, 2013 at 11:46 am

There is nothing so militarily immersive as stalking an online warzone, sight up – weapons hot, baby – scouring the smoking coals of recent skirmish scanning for any Tangoes that might not be down yet. You check a corner. Could be someone back there, could be no one.

Corners, man. They give me the willies.

That tense second passes and hey, it is definitely a someone. They come leaping and hollering out of the right angle of nervous bricks and shoot you dead, possibly with a headshot. Why? Because they’re jumping everywhere and it was almost by default damn. Immersion so busted: How many times you watch a war movie and seen a soldier and all his gear come pogo’ing all up at everyone like some kinda… pogo… gun… man?

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Battlefield 4 multiplayer

By on October 16, 2013 at 10:56 am

DICE’s plans to give Battlefield 4 the eSport treatment are kind of a no-brainer, but I still wouldn’t have picked it. At its most hectic, sure, it is ridonkulous fun to watch – especially now with all those very big things that go boom and fall down. For the love of my -69% accuracy rating, why can I never get out of the way of a huge and obvious building about to say hair ya garn to my face?

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Battlefield 4 multiplayer

By on October 9, 2013 at 5:54 pm

I’m playing the BF4 beta and so are a lot of you. In this way we are not so different, friends. True, I may be more handsome and have more swag. That’s just how things happen. It’s all in the genetics. Sometimes they’re full of good-looking swagtegrity. Like Battlefield’s.

That’s the thing with this thing: It was already great, what the hell else were the going to do?

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Grand Theft Auto V

By on October 3, 2013 at 12:37 pm

If you are an awesome bass player with sick hair like I am, you will know that sometimes people do not understand this instrument very well. “I can’t hear it,” they say, “what is even the point of you?” And so sometimes I will record a hella balls-to-the-wall track, and I will play it for them once with the bass, and then again without it. They will nod to themselves then, sadly. “That didn’t feel as good the second time.”

It is not so much about being heard as dutifully mothering the rest of the band so they are the best they can be. It is always that intangible heartbeat that maketh the rad, the little things. Video games are no different.

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Angry Gamer

By on September 25, 2013 at 2:55 pm

You can learn a lot about your fellow man and woman and transgender individual from playing shooty games online with them. There are not many situations I can think of that might be as duress-ful as a firefight. You’re gonna see true colours come flying outta people.

Some will fetal it and quote happier times from Mean Girls. Others will stand up in the middle of a hail o’ fatal and declare, “DO YOU WISH TO PARTAKE IN SOME OF THE THING THAT IS ME?” Although simulated and without real consequence, it’s also interesting to note that, anecdotally at least, pulse rates can go way up when multiplayer Tangoes are going down.

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Grand Theft Auto V

By on September 18, 2013 at 2:41 pm

I like to watch people play GTA because it is such a fascinating and frequently horrifying peek into what lurks in the hearts of men and women; a social experiment on stolen wheels. It is absolutely the quiet ones you have to watch. And the louder ones, too. You give anyone free reign to freely roam a virtual city populated by virtual lives and – this is fitting, looking at those review scores – 11/10 times they will destroy everything and kill everyone. Not that GTA’s mechanics are the model of restraint, but it’s that weaponised enablement that sets off this peculiar gleam in people’s eyes that I have seen many times before in the faces of Bret Easton Ellis’ America.

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Handgun

By on September 11, 2013 at 6:05 pm

Since the dawn of time immemorial, FPS games have been starting you with a crappy handgun. Yes even in the FPS games single-celled amoebas played. Irrespective of the fact handguns irl are terrifying and can calmly end lives and impact families for generations with but one bad “It’s not even loaded, see, bang, bang” incident, they remain the intern to those high calibre death machines we all look forward to.

The humble handgun — pistol, if you would, p’raps even musket — is regarded by gamedom as no more than a flaccid last resort. And he is my friend.

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Shadowrun Returns

By on August 29, 2013 at 12:15 pm

Turn-based games are the rad. Says me. Been saying it for a looong time, too. Lot of peoples agree. In fact if you ask me when I’m drunk I will tell I was the human Kickstarter behind Firaxis’ seemingly abrupt decision to retrofit XCOM: Enemy Unknown smack-wham in the face of 2K Marin giving the exact same franchise the FPS treatment. Show me where the progress exists without the protest, guys. Cool line. I stole it from one of Dead Letter Circus’ new tracks. They probs wrote it about me anyway (hic), so I will never stop singing for things: Now bring back isometric killin’, because it is the best killin’.

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Splinter Cell vs. Metal Gear Solid

By on August 21, 2013 at 3:54 pm

Recently I got a chance to check out Ubi’s new Splinter Cell. It’s cool and fun and you kill things so that’s good. But Sam is just not my jam. Never has been. No matter what funky new plan they lay out for the Fisher Man – and there have been some great ‘uns – I just can’t get hip to this hip-shootin’ VIP. Nothing rhymes with orange, incidentally. I will not accept ‘sporange,’ either, that is COMPLETE jackassery. Don’t you even.

Anyway, this whole new Splinter Cell thing has reminded me of something I realised long, long ago, in a land fat with soda cans and party LANs: You are either into Splinter Cell, or you are into Metal Gear Solid.

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South Park Nerd

By on August 7, 2013 at 9:30 am

Y’know, I reckon I play a lot of shooters. Don’t ask me why I suspect this, just a strong feeling I have. I prefer to play them by myself but multiplayer, multiplayer, MULTIPLAYER encroached on my personal space so much I gave up and now I have a legitimate problem. Even so I make sure my headset’s mic is dead. I don’t really wanna talk, I just want to kill. Kill all of you. Yes. Soon.

But uh, you know that doesn’t stop other people from having their mics on and breathing heavily, or eating corn, or talking about some dumb thing, or pretending they’ve touched a boob. It’s that last one I think is funny and interesting, because, see, I did an experiment once by accident…

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Aliens vs. Predator

By on July 31, 2013 at 1:10 pm

So we have established that with the exception of a wildcard Nintendo DS effort purchased only by the developer’s mums, most Aliens games are worser than bad. For whatever reason (IT’S A SICK IDEA BRO), the Predator franchise has so often been partnered with Aliens that the two have seemingly become synonymous.

Predator too is a place ripe for the gamering: Big lobster man in suit full of Gizmodo wet dreams jumps through trees/urban decay Sub Zeroing people and then explodes self. Compared to the sheer weight of Aliens games that’ve come out – many of them like a wandering facehugger that screams “HUGS!” before launching itself at your thorax and ruining your life – the number of Predator ones is fewer but their success rate is just as… damn it.

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Aliens: Colonial Marines

By on July 25, 2013 at 11:55 am

The licensed games of the 90s were so routinely terrible the very notion of anything Hollywood-gamified still sends spasms of loathing down the spines of veteran gamers everywhere. It’s not hard to figure out why: Most of the effort of selling them has already been done via their name alone. “Woohoo, who cares, let’s all do peyote and mash our keyboards.” Bam: Licensed games are the epitome of video games as easy money. Cynicism in a box, and when you open it, Nic Cage comes flying out and gifts you with the same.

Let’s talk about Aliens.

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Dishonored

By on July 3, 2013 at 12:18 pm

I’m just playing Dishonored now. I’m late to the party not because I’m a cool guy with loads of bitches (I’m really not, I sometimes read the dictionary on Saturday night). I’m late on this one ‘cos Dishonored was one of those “hype” games.

Hype games, I think, are really hard to see clearly when they first come out, ostensibly because the smoke belching from the hype train does its best to obscure any and all of those flaws that tend to become apparent much later when nobody cares anymore. I always wait (it’s also cheaper), just so I can experience this blown-up million-dollar thing with an unfettered gamer’s eye and judge it true.

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Mass Effect 2

By on May 29, 2013 at 11:04 am

When the bullets are flying thick and fast like swarms of flies with knives, I don’t like being out there by myself. I want a brotatoe at my side. Not only do the odds of being killed by a knife-fly go from 100% to 50% (maybe 25% if the brotatoe in question is really into potatoes, fried ones) but there may come a time when I would prefer not to stab-tackle a madman strapped with bombs through a plate glass window and would instead like Frank Woods to do it for me.

Many such brotatoes have similarly saved my ass with their badass, but after much ado about eating chips and thinking, I have realised my fave brotatoe is not a bro at all, but a sister.

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Deus Ex: Human Revolution

By on May 22, 2013 at 5:15 pm

I like to laugh because life is a dynamic experience and it can’t rain all the time. Nor can a man or woman or transgender individual laugh constantly either, because you would edge closer and closer to insanity in the eyes of everyone around you, especially if you were, IDK, at the vet putting the family dog to sleep forever. While I favour giggling over glowering, there are times and places whence a lad such as I need court the grim of drawing breath (please forgive me, I’m reading A Song of Ice and Fire right now and I can’t stop talking like a halberd).

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