my mind is a wreck right now, emotionally.. i physically feel like trash.. i just wish i could sleep. so many thoughts going through my head that are just spiralling out of control.. and i have this stupid appointment in the morning.. if i could play some black metal i could probably fall asleep, it's calming, relaxing.. but, even my little ipod speakerdock will wake my housemate as the walls are so thin.. i can hear him snoring ffs.. no chance of me using my earphones either, i'll end up not hearing my alarm in the morning...
ugh i want some cake... a delicious coles chocolate mudcake.. i could smash an entire cake and a litre of milk right now... I might go cook some more pancakes.. hmm.. i fear i'm going to lose my **** tomorrow if i get to my appointment and they **** me around again and cancel on me.. got dicked around with their appointments already yesterday morning.. no wonder the majority of people who get help through qld health's mental health system end up topping themselves. they only make matters worse it seems. but i have to go if i want an official diagnosis of aspergers because my psychologist cant do it. it has to be a psychiatrist. The acute care team called me the other day and asked a bunch of questions, and apparently i'm suicidal, so god knows what they're going to declare me as when they actually talk to me. i miss my cat, so so badly. i keep expecting to find her curled up asleep in one of her spots. i keep seeing it in my head, over and over, the needle going in, her looking at me one last time, and going to sleep. i wish i could have stopped it, i really do. I wish we just remained oblivious to her cancer, then she'd still be here. and i could cuddle her. and she'd make everything better.
edit - how's THAT for a fleeting random thought.