All posts by Jonathan Maloney
Army of Two: The Devil's Cartel

By on June 24, 2013 at 7:19 pm

OH YEAH. STRAP YOURSELVES BROS, BECAUSE IT’S ABOUT TO GET BROTACULAR

FIRST, GRAB YOUR BRO. NOT IN A GAY WAY. THAT’S UNBRO. YOU GOT A HOLD ON HIM, IN A PURELY HETEROSEXUAL FASHION? BROLICIOUS, YOU’RE MAKING ME SWEAT WITH THIS COMPLETELY PLATONIC DISPLAY OF AFFECTION. NOW SEIZE YOUR BRO-CANNON. THAT’S THE BIGGEST, BROSPLOSION GUN YOU CAN FIND. GOT IT? AWWWWWWW YEAH SON, ITS TIME TO GET DOWN. BULLETTTSSSSSSSSSSS

There. That, ladies and gentlemen, is Army of Two – The Devil’s Cartel in a vaguely overcompensating homo-erotic nutshell. Review done.

Oh, you want more? Well, just remember. You asked for this.

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Skyrim

By on March 21, 2013 at 4:49 pm

One thing that never seems to affect the hero of any given video game is the awful weight of their actions. Killing another person isn’t something most people can deal with easily, and a lot of people die because of the actions of game characters. It is often to save their own life, yes, but in the real world, people are heavily affected by taking the lives of others. It’s a big, big reason so many people suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in the armed services. It is very, very difficult to put that level of conscious or subconscious guilt and shame aside.

Some people don’t have that problem, however. Those people are called sociopaths.

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Aliens: Colonial Marines

By on February 25, 2013 at 11:22 am

So then. You bought Aliens: Colonial Marines, didn’t you? I know some of you did. Own up. There is no shame here, no judgements. We are all brought together by our pain, born of our hope, and made all that more terrible when we now know it was a hope misguided.

The reviews speak the truth. It’s not a good game. It’s not even mediocre, most of the time. It descends into outright bad all too often. And let’s not get started on the sheer awfulness of the graphical downgrade the game got somewhere along the line. It’s bad. We all know this – at least, now we do.

But some of us saw the Green Man Gaming deal. Some of us had hope. Some of us believed. And regardless of commentary made of how foolish such a silly thing is, it happens. So now, some of us have a game we don’t really want to play, and would rather forget. Fair enough.

But surely, I say, there must be some way to enjoy this game… right?

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Far Cry 3

By on December 24, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Far Cry 3 has already inspired more than a few articles here at games.on.net, and now here’s one more to round out the year: our resident Neverwinter Nights DM Nemesis is back with an examination of the game’s roundly-criticised storyline. Perhaps, he says, there’s more to the ‘rich-white-kid-turned-mass-murderer’ plot than meets the eye.

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Borderlands 2

By on December 3, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Welcome back to another Community Soapbox article! If you’ve got something you’d like to say to our community, check here for more information about how to get your thoughts up in lights. Mild spoilers for Borderlands 2 may follow.

Jelly or custard. Chicken or steak. Kelly or Liara. Troy or Abed. Borderlands ‘Originale’ or Borderlands 2. Some questions cannot be answered without some serious examination and/or exposition, unless you are Marius (red heads man. Red heads. I hear ya).

Forum lurker that I am, I’ve noticed a bit of a trend lately when it comes to Borderlands 2. Some people can’t bring themselves to finish it. The game doesn’t seem to capture the attention of some, but in many cases these are people who played the ever lovin’ heck out of Original Borderlands. Why is that?

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Skyrim (via Dead End Thrills)

By on November 9, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Nemesis_22 joins us with the first of our Community Soapbox articles! If you’re interested in submitting a soapbox article, check here for more information.

As I grow older, more jaundiced and fatter around the middle, I find that there is still one tried and true method to RPG games which never, ever, seems to die the death it so richly deserves: fetch quests.

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