Here are 10 things BioWare absolutely must NOT do in Mass Effect 4

Mass Effect 3 580x300

By on July 17, 2014 at 12:41 pm

BioWare are looking for your thoughts on Mass Effect 4, and you can give them in the form of this survey. We’ve taken the survey, naturally, but there’s a lot more to say than can be discussed in a simple questionnaire.

Here, below, we’ve catalogued the things that BioWare really need to be aware of when breaking new ground in Mass Effect.

That One-Button Control Scheme

BioWare’s decision to bind everything that wasn’t “shoot” to the space bar led to more than its fair share of frustrated screaming, especially in Mass Effect 3’s multiplayer. It’s our fond hope that whatever BioWare decide to do next with Mass Effect, they figure out that not everybody enjoys vaulting repeatedly back and forth over a low wall instead of reviving their dying comrades.

The Reapers have to go

The Reapers are a big deal. I respect that. They’re a galactic game-changer. But it’s time to move on and introduce a new threat, something even more terrifying and ominous. Alternatively, it’d be a nice change if there wasn’t a space-Cthulhu to deal with, and new-Shepard had to solve more local problems instead. Shepard, sorting out disputes over tax laws and property ownership? Let’s make it happen.

So does every NPC that can’t be romanced

There’s a whole internet industry that thrives on imagining fictional pairings between BioWare characters, and it’s time to step that up a notch and just make every character a romance option. I’m not talking disrespectful Witcher-style seductions where you get a trading card for every woman you seduce, but real, meaningful relationships that takes months or even years to come to fruition — even with the most inconsequential NPC, human or not.

mass_effect_mako

Adding seventeen more wheels to the Mako is just a bad idea

I’m one of the three people on earth who actually genuinely liked driving the Mako around, but look: seventeen more wheels? That is a preposterous idea. Where would they even go? You can’t have an odd number of wheels. Just leave the Mako alone.

Conversations: just say no

We’ve had three games of this now, and quite frankly I think that’s enough. If BioWare have even the slightest amount of courage, they’ll do away with this unnecessary clutter. Heck, don’t even bother modelling the mouths on the characters.

This will have a number of other benefits too: A massively reduced download size for the game, thanks to the lack of audio, and no need to bother with translation and localisation costs.

Jedi Knights

Jedi Knights are the exclusive property of LucasArts. They belong in the Star Wars universe, and that’s that. It’s just insane to suggest that BioWare would put them into Mass Effect or that biotics should have access to lightsabers. That is just a stupid idea, dude.

qui-gon-jin

Combat needs to be reworked substantially

We need to be fair about this. If we can’t talk to NPCs, we can’t just up and shoot them in the face either. Under my radical new proposal, all guns (and swords) will be removed from Mass Effect 4, and anybody wishing to solve a conflict with an ancient race of sentient god-robot spaceships will have to do so using expressive gestures and interpretive dance instead, as well as something this note I wrote on a napkin yesterday calls a “deep system of pheromone influencing”. Kinect support, anyone?

A forced cameo from Mario and Sonic

While this idea definitely has some merit, it really stretches believability. I’m really going to have to put my foot down on this one, no matter how tastefully it’s done.

Mounted combat

BioWare’s documents reveal plans for a “lush, green planet populated only by cute horses of all colours which can be ridden into battle”. We have to stop this before it starts: Mass Effect 4 absolutely can not have a dedicated mini-game where you have to rub down your horse, braid its mane, and feed it sugar lumps delicately from your hand. There must absolutely not be an adorable, life-affirming section of the game featuring nothing but horse nuzzling and verdant, rolling hills.

tony_abbott

Tony Abbott

The Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott should definitely not feature in BioWare’s next Mass Effect game. I’m sorry, but I really must insist on this point. The series has a history of crowbarring in unnecessary celebrities, but we have to draw the line somewhere. This is just a silly idea. I don’t know why you suggested it.

Okay! That’s all we can think of. Let BioWare know if you have any suggestions in the comments below!

33 comments (Leave your own)

I was hoping for a serious article. I was disappointed in the way it turned out.

 

Tony abbot should be the main antagonist really. The only time you get to use a weapon is in the Tony abbot boss battle.

But yes I like the rest of your suggestions. The game where you can make love to anyone without saying a word filled with expressive dancing.

 

The Mako could have an uneven number of wheels, just put one up the front like a Reliant Robin. It’s already about the right shape.

 

Started off serious, then got silly.

Serious suggestion: Decisions made during course of game must have significant effect in how the ending plays out. This was the biggest disappointment in ME3, and why I loved the structure of ME2.

Silly suggestion: No more romance scenes with implied sexual activity. We got an R18 classification now, let’s see how far we can go!!

 
Anon. E. Moose

xebozone,

This. When did GoN slowly start turning into The Onion?

 

Sigh. One satire article does not a satire website make.

 

Not sure if the no conversations one is serious, but if you want that, go and play something else, seriously.

 
Nasty Wet Smear

… I think I’d pay for a game where you could lock Tony into an airlock and shoot him off into space. The only issue I can think of it, with parasites, they tend to survive and he just might land on another planet that could have been friendly too us… :(

 
Anon. E. Moose

ralphwiggum:
Sigh. One satire article does not a satire website make.

You’re right, and either does 15. http://games.on.net/tag/satire/
But at least prior to the “CoD script leak” it was a healthy dose of satire instead of just spitting random ideas and game bashing in every 2nd article.

I don’t know, it could just be me but as of late I haven’t really enjoyed these sort of articles.

 
 

Did you need to hit an article quota in a hurry or something?

 

anonemoose,

15 satire articles in 22 months. I’m going to throw a wildly random statistic here but that’s probably like 2% of their articles. Mountain. Molehill.

I agree I don’t always find them funny, but hey, whatever floats their boat.

 

You want a more ominous , local threat to the universe than the Reapers yet you don’t want Tony Abbott in the game? You really are tying their hands.

 

Jeeze, it’s a few articles guys. They still do the best interviews and have a great scoring (or lack of) system and intelligent previews. I don’t think any other game site lets me have the editor on my steam list.

Sure, last time I messaged him he said “Why are you talking to me, don’t you even know who I am?” and something else about needing to finish an article about a silly PC game so he can get to the real stuff on his N-Gage, but otherwise it’s pretty cool.

 

vencha88,

At least he added you on Steam. Last time I tried he said I had to go through a “hazing” ritual involving body chocolate, a ferret and a gynecological chair.

Needless to say we are not friends.

 

If you want 100% serious maximum video games articles, you can find that anywhere. Only here at Game Sonnet can you find the finest stupid nonsense written by a rambling idiot who has no business offering his opinion on things.

I even had Vencha over my house once. TRUE STORY.

 

Why stop at romancing all characters? there were so sexy pot plants on the citadel.

 

nastywetsmear:
… I think I’d pay for a game where you could lock Tony into an airlock and shoot him off into space. The only issue I can think of it, with parasites, they tend to survive and he just might land on another planet that could have been friendly too us… :(

Sod the game, just drop him into the ocean off a ship and see if the Navy can pick him up in time and then decide to give him to the Sri Lankan’s :D

 
James Pinnell

Considering we don’t normally do Top 10 articles – plus the fact it’s by Tim – plus the fact its actually tagged Satire – I figured many people would have seen the signs.

If you want hard hitting previews and reviews, wait for my name, since I’m not even remotely clever enough to do satire.

 

Tim Colwill: Only here at Game Sonnet can you find the finest stupid nonsense written by a rambling idiot who has no business offering his opinion on things.

What? Toby didn’t even write the article.

Also there is a nugget of on-topic truth in there:

Tim Colwill: Alternatively, it’d be a nice change if there wasn’t a space-Cthulhu to deal with, and new-Shepard had to solve more local problems instead. Shepard, sorting out disputes over tax laws and property ownership? Let’s make it happen.

This is why I’m one of the 3 people on the planet who loved DA2. Who wants to save the galaxy, and all the idiots it contains? No one, that’s who. We only care about our family and friends, that’s who the story should be about.

 
Leave a comment

You can use the following bbCode
[i], [b], [img], [quote], [url href="http://www.google.com/"]Google[/url]

Leave a Reply

PC Gaming Calendar 2014

Follow Games.on.net

YouTube

Steam Group

Upcoming Games

Community Soapbox

Recent Features
Civilization: Beyond Earth

Civilisation: Beyond Earth shoots for the stars but lands on the moon

Firaxis make some great strides, but not everything in the future is always better.

Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel

Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel’s great humour carries it through

It may feel like the world's biggest piece of Borderlands 2 DLC, but the Pre-Sequel has a flavour all its own.

The Evil Within

The Evil Within: It’s a fine line between pleasure and pain (especially on PC)

We check out Shinji Mikami's latest punishment simulator, but buyer beware when it comes to the PC version.

Shadow of Mordor

Choose your own adventure: Why heavily scripted cinematic games need to loosen up

It's time for game developers to sit back and let the players take control.

world of warcraft warlords of draenor

World of Warcraft’s Tom Chilton talks Warlords, paid level 90 boosts, and jumping the shark

WoW's Game Director explains how they've been on, off, and all around the shark since 2004.

Streaming Radio
Radio Streams are restricted to iiNet group customers.

GreenManGaming MREC

Facebook Like Box