Passing time is hard. Let us help you with these 13 handy tips.
By Tim Colwill on May 20, 2014 at 5:07 pm
Wolfenstein: The New Order is out today, and its 40 GB download is a clear homage to the days of the original Wolfenstein 3D’s 4MB download. Much like the first download, this one too takes place over an internet connection, although it’s likely that you’re now packing a better connection than you were back in 1992! Probably. If you’re not, well, I don’t even know how you’re reading this.
God, I’m sorry.
Anyway, this download is pretty big. Machine Games have really packed a lot of data in those 40 gigabytes, probably more than 40 GB actually. This thing is probably going to expand. The system requirements call for 48 GB of hard drive space, so there’s at least another 8 GB to find in there. What a thrilling introduction to an article. Here’s some stuff you can do while waiting for it to download:
Go to your job and do your job
Seriously, this download is going to take like, 48 hours. You’re going to need to fit some work in there somewhere or your boss is going to get mad at you. If you happen to be self-employed and therefore your own boss, take a moment to examine your feelings. Should you really be getting mad at yourself? Can you forgive yourself, just this once? Stop being so harsh on the guy.
Train a dolphin
Dolphins are pretty intelligent. Imagine if you had one in your house, bringing you your slippers and stuff? Makes your dog look like a goddamn loser. I mean you’d have to flood your house with water to make it viable for the dolphin to travel around, but then you’re set. Look, work out your own problems.
Not for too long, of course. I went outside today and it was okay, but there were several bird calls and the purity of the air, combined with the gentle rustling of the trees, was very off-putting. Consult WebMD before attempting the outside world for yourself.
Enjoy human companionship
Seek out another human and engage in conversation with them, or, if you already have a strong and intimate relationship, communicate wordlessly through touch. Enjoying the company of other humans is a good way to learn new things and experience other perspectives. You can probably talk about Wolfenstein. “Did you see that download size?” you’ll say, breaking the ice. Trust me, this is solid gold.
Have one or more quick, refreshing naps
Experts agree that having naps is totally sick. Have a cheeky nap in the breakroom at work, curled up under the lunch table and snoring like a kitten. Have a rude, obnoxious nap in the middle of the street. Set up traffic cones and detour signs and just let it all go. Relax. Stop drooling. It’s not attractive.
Appreciate modern art
Take a moment or three to visit your local art gallery. There will be a variety of new exhibitions on show, and of course the old classics. Buy an overpriced postcard from the gift shop and think about your life choices.
Learn a new language
Learning a new language is basically the best thing. While everyone else is struggling and confused in Foreign Parts, you’re just rolling those syllables off your tongue and impressing all the locals. Or annoying them. Anyway, that’s a skill right there. And once you’ve learned the language, you can always get a job as an interpreter, or do freelance transcription. Or just impress people. I’m impressed.
Play Wolfenstein 3D
You can probably download and play through the entirety of Wolfenstein 3D before this new Wolfenstein is finished. When you’re done, appreciate just how far technology has come along since then. Smile happily to yourself and know that things are better now than they’ve ever been. Be at one with the universe.
Itemise and despair about the mistakes you’ve made in life
Let the walls come crashing down. Drown yourself in sorrow and misery as you examine everything wrong you’ve done in your life. Think of how much better it could have been if only you’d had the courage to follow your dreams. Forgive yourself and realise that life can’t be controlled. Every choice you’ve made is valid and every day offers a new opportunity. Breathe.
Locate a horse
If you don’t know where your nearest horse is, you should. Recent studies show that as many as 98% of fatal horse attacks happen to people who simply aren’t aware of horses operating in their immediate area.
Compulsively check on your Steam download
Has it really only been 20 minutes? Build a particle accelerator from various household objects and capture some tachyons for interrogation. Bind them to a chair and hit them with a phone book. They know what they did. Scream in frustration as the FBI arrive and take jurisdiction away from you. Go and work out your issues at the gym. Snap at your partner. Apologise later. It’s not their fault, and you shouldn’t be taking it out on them, especially when you’re only a few days away from retirement and you have a bum ticker.
Practice your forge welding technique
Buddy, if there’s an apocalypse, somebody in your little rag-tag group of survivors is going to need to know how to join two pieces of metal together without electricity. You can be that guy. Other survivors will admire your skills, and zombies will be repulsed by your sturdy iron fence. When civilization rebuilds, a statue of you will be unveiled in a shopping mall. Start now. If you can’t get your hands on an anvil, a segment of railroad track is a good, cheap substitute you can start with. Ask around.
Sit perfectly still. Using occult techniques taught to you by the ancient masters, slow your heart rate down to one beat per year. Allow moss and cobwebs to gather on your body over several aeons, encasing you from head to toe in a living suit of bio-armour. Terrorise your friends and enemies alike with your horrific new appearance. Demand to play Wolfenstein, only to realise you no longer speak the common tongue. Be chased away into the woods by angry townsfolk. Pass into myth.
I hope this article has assisted you to deal with the next 37 empty hours of your life. If you have any tips that may help others, please share them in the comments section below.