Toby is so incompetent that he needs an entire new genre of games invented just to cater for him.
By Toby McCasker on April 9, 2014 at 8:34 pm
I was always bad at my job, so it’s lucky I hired myself. Technically no one gets hired out here on the field. We’re all just sort of smashed together and asked to come in on Sunday to explode things. Sundays are just like every other day, which makes this job a pretty simple one. A smoking monkey could do it. Sometimes, hey, $moking_Monkey is actually doing it. He’s killing everyone. Dead-eye shot from a lot of paces. There’s no way he’s being made redundant.
Not that anyone gets made redundant unless they realise, “I’m redundant.” I have just realised this.
Because what squad wants a squaddie who can’t shoot worth a Juggalo bitcoin? The job is shooting. Most of the time. It doesn’t matter whether HR sends down a controller or a keyboard, or what training I receive (“U NOOB!!! YA MUM!!!!”), I am not a capable scholar of ranged discontent. For someone lucky enough to like his job, this is bad. It counts me out of a lot of cool employment ventures, like Call of Duty, which I hear is this totally awesome thing the kids are doing. My K/D performance reviews make me mute my headset, because my co-workers like to have fun and they like to laugh, and my ears are sensitive to the upper mid-range frequencies of my own expense.
Battlefield is just about the only place I can get work right now. Last night nobody was laughing. There was, instead, a stunned kind of awe as I topped the leaderboard with an unimpressive 2-1. Topped it by miles. I am unfamiliar with this kind of success and how to react to it, so I cracked a bag of Death Rain habanero chips and ate heaps of them. I felt a bit sick this morning. In fact I’ve been on the toilet sweating for most of the day. It has given me time to think about how I managed to do a good job at my job which I’m bad at.
Conclusion: Can we get more shooters where you don’t have to shoot anything? I know that’s a wild and crazy concept. It doesn’t make much sense. “Check out this astonishing new FPS that you win by tethered swimming! I don’t feel right!” You know what I mean. In actual horrible real war, it’s the vast support network that wins the day. This is where I excel. Ain’t nobody places a mine like Triggerlegs. Nobody.
I have kept ace pilots a-fly in their fragile whirlybirds with the most judicious of in-flight repairs and the occasional, errant RPG that miraculously hits something and does something helpful. I will fly a MAV around all day so no one has to die of coma being the Commander. Everyone get in my big chopper I will get us up on top of that building and drop the most hell spawn beacon you have ever seen.
My resume is spotting ribbons and assist accolades. Where do I see myself in five years? 0-0 and winning on Sundays, endless promotions forever.