Sitrep: Waiting in line at the FPS dole queue

Bad at Aiming

By on April 9, 2014 at 8:34 pm

I was always bad at my job, so it’s lucky I hired myself. Technically no one gets hired out here on the field. We’re all just sort of smashed together and asked to come in on Sunday to explode things. Sundays are just like every other day, which makes this job a pretty simple one. A smoking monkey could do it. Sometimes, hey, $moking_Monkey is actually doing it. He’s killing everyone. Dead-eye shot from a lot of paces. There’s no way he’s being made redundant.

Not that anyone gets made redundant unless they realise, “I’m redundant.” I have just realised this.

Because what squad wants a squaddie who can’t shoot worth a Juggalo bitcoin? The job is shooting. Most of the time. It doesn’t matter whether HR sends down a controller or a keyboard, or what training I receive (“U NOOB!!! YA MUM!!!!”), I am not a capable scholar of ranged discontent. For someone lucky enough to like his job, this is bad. It counts me out of a lot of cool employment ventures, like Call of Duty, which I hear is this totally awesome thing the kids are doing. My K/D performance reviews make me mute my headset, because my co-workers like to have fun and they like to laugh, and my ears are sensitive to the upper mid-range frequencies of my own expense.

Battlefield is just about the only place I can get work right now. Last night nobody was laughing. There was, instead, a stunned kind of awe as I topped the leaderboard with an unimpressive 2-1. Topped it by miles. I am unfamiliar with this kind of success and how to react to it, so I cracked a bag of Death Rain habanero chips and ate heaps of them. I felt a bit sick this morning. In fact I’ve been on the toilet sweating for most of the day. It has given me time to think about how I managed to do a good job at my job which I’m bad at.

Conclusion: Can we get more shooters where you don’t have to shoot anything? I know that’s a wild and crazy concept. It doesn’t make much sense. “Check out this astonishing new FPS that you win by tethered swimming! I don’t feel right!” You know what I mean. In actual horrible real war, it’s the vast support network that wins the day. This is where I excel. Ain’t nobody places a mine like Triggerlegs. Nobody.

I have kept ace pilots a-fly in their fragile whirlybirds with the most judicious of in-flight repairs and the occasional, errant RPG that miraculously hits something and does something helpful. I will fly a MAV around all day so no one has to die of coma being the Commander. Everyone get in my big chopper I will get us up on top of that building and drop the most hell spawn beacon you have ever seen.

My resume is spotting ribbons and assist accolades. Where do I see myself in five years? 0-0 and winning on Sundays, endless promotions forever.

17 comments (Leave your own)

It’s actually quite common to see the extremes, though this is the reverse extreme of the dude who can headshot that sniper with a 1911 from 200m. Not necessarily less skilled, just skilled in a different skillset.

For CoD you need map awareness and spawn point domination to win. Doesn’t really matter which game mode except Search and Destroy which follows CS rules for winning (i.e. be the last wanker alive).

In BF4 there are far more roles to be played especially in the larger population servers. Some feel that the only way to account for ones skill in an FPS is by their K/D and therefore their reactions and knowledge of the map, weapons and prediction of enemy movements. Others are aware that in BF style games that while map knowledge and prediction are still required, K/D is less relevant if you can heal the crap out of your team, place tactical spawn points and have radar assistance for your team.

Knowledge is what makes the great different from the merely good. It’s one of the reasons my clan actually managed to ruffle the feathers of some of the “better” clans in CG back in the MW3 competition days.

If you want to increase your skills with shooting, pick a known good gun from the equipment list and use it exclusively for 500 kills. Analyse how hit reacts when shooting, whether it’s pulling left/right/up/down in auto-fire (if it has auto), learn to tap fire so it resets the recoil between bursts/single shots. A good way to learn that is to bind the Commo-Rose to your fire button, it literally stops you firing too long, but at the same time if you are efficient with your tap firing it won’t appear at all. Good training :)

As with anything it takes a fair bit of learning to gain the skills, best ways to learn the shooty skills though are through Domination, TDM and Squad TDM. Due to being close and fast.


Played ArmA or BF2:PR?

In those you can transport people and supplies around instead.

Support roles in such games are crucial to a team’s combat effectiveness, for better or worse.


I think BF4 strikes a good balance for awarding points for things other than killing, you can get quite respectable scores from capturing/resupply/healing. Which also helps encourage people to do these things, as everyone loves points.


There are plenty of non-shooting roles in PlanetSide 2:

Stalker Infiltrator
C4 Light Assault
C4 Flash
Harasser Driver
Sunderer Driver
Liberator Pilot
Galaxy Pilot

Toby McCasker


Really liking the sound of that. I don’t mind saying, I’m a bit OK at piloting things. A misspent youth in front of Wing Commander 3 + 4, don’tcha know.


I was a Galaxy pilot for a while. Man that was fun, ducking and dodging through terrain in a flying Brick. hmm .. i might re-install it now.


Toby McCasker:

Really liking the sound of that. I don’t mind saying, I’m a bit OK at piloting things. A misspent youth in front of Wing Commander 3 + 4, don’tcha know.

If that’s the case, sod the FPS, go for Star Citizen :D

Toby McCasker


Why doesn’t Mark Hamill pash porn star mechanics anymore, though? XD


Pornstars got more expensive???


Apparently there are some interesting actors coming back to grace Star Citizen’s single player campaign…



/pray pleaseletMarkHammillbeoneofthem.


I was a Galaxy pilot for a while. Man that was fun, ducking and dodging through terrain in a flying Brick. hmm .. i might re-install it now.

The best Gal Pilots also can sneak up on other aircraft and ram them out of the sky.
If you haven’t logged in for 6+ months (or are totally new) use this for freebies:

RSOblivion: If that’s the case, sod the FPS, go for Star Citizen :D

Yes, but what if one wanted to play a game today?

Toby McCasker


Forrealism? Oh man I should be paying way more attention to this game. More PC telemovie space sims. More.


I can confirm, can’t shoot for shit any more, can regularly be found playing helicopter-bitch when i log in to Arma 3.


Can relate, good article.



need more inappropriate medic rezzing.

i give you life, so that you feel the pain of dying…




I gifted a TR MAX 10 MAX kills in a Bio-Lab the other night. Still waiting on my kickback…


it would be nice in both bf and ps games if tanks would stop running away from me when im trying to heal them.

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