Toby reveals Square Enix's master plan for resurrecting old franchises.
By Toby McCasker on January 22, 2014 at 4:09 pm
I went to play Thief recently, where I bumped into games.on.net regent Tim Colwill who was also there to see Thief. Do you know that when Tim goes to things like this he wears a branded games.on.net polo shirt with his name on it? Oh my god it’s hilarious. Anyway so I can’t write about Thief because Tim is presumably going to write about Thief. But there was something else I realised on the day, and unlike most of my waking thoughts it did not feature an army of sentient donut men come to claim us all.
Instead it was the realisation that Square Enix are necromancers. I am quite normal, I assure you. I also remember when these guys and gals had no Enix and were about making Final Fantasy games and only Final Fantasy games. Let me tell you something, Jimmy. I just finished Final Fantasy XIII after years of putting it off and I could kill a man with my bare hands. That game is pants. Is Squenix’s new fascination with cadaverous unlife to blame for my most treasured series’ lowest common denominator decline? Maybe so. It also might be totally worth that pain.
Squenix are now unearthing and publishing at least one major waylaid gaming franchise per year. In 2011, we got Deus Ex: Human Revolution. This remains one of my favourite games of that recently departed gen. In 2012, Hitman: Absolution. Not really my thing but I know some dangerous people who liked it a lot. 2013 saw Tomb Raider. FYI I was the first person in Australia to finish this game. I was obligated to for work (yes… ‘work,’ I know right), but I would have anyway. It was awesome. Much more awesome than the hivemind probably believed it would be. This year, it’s Thief. While I’ll let Timbo talk all about that, I will say: It was not terrible. Far from it.
So while my anime hair precious is going to unremarkable pot (although have you checked out Final Fantasy XIII-2? No one did. And it’s great. Fancy), Squenix seem to have found a new niche in the guise of sepulcher robes and spirit fingers. They are revivalists of a new order, and where once ‘reboot’ was a word so dirty as soon as you said it your browser automatically logged onto Motherless, Squenix are redefining the term for gamingdom. This was something I talked to their reps about on the day, and they looked at each other in this way that said, “Huh yeah, we are necromancers, whoa.” Then came the obvious: What will you be resurrecting and polishing the bones of next? A dramatic and uncertain pause, and then: “We can’t talk about anything yet…” Coy looks all ‘round.
Naturally I’ve been awake for days wondering what it could be. I know they’re up to something, I can feel it in my Johnson. My Johnson can even tell the weather as well as suggest what old-ass game Squenix might be eyeing the corpse of (ew?). Tell you what: Omikron. Come on. You know I’m good for it. I don’t know why I said that, I’d have nothing at all to do with this game’s development. I’m just some writer on the internet. Peace.