Well, this isn't working out at all.
By Toby McCasker on July 31, 2013 at 1:10 pm
So we have established that with the exception of a wildcard Nintendo DS effort purchased only by the developer’s mums, most Aliens games are worser than bad. For whatever reason (IT’S A SICK IDEA BRO), the Predator franchise has so often been partnered with Aliens that the two have seemingly become synonymous.
Predator too is a place ripe for the gamering: Big lobster man in suit full of Gizmodo wet dreams jumps through trees/urban decay Sub Zeroing people and then explodes self. Compared to the sheer weight of Aliens games that’ve come out – many of them like a wandering facehugger that screams “HUGS!” before launching itself at your thorax and ruining your life – the number of Predator ones is fewer but their success rate is just as… damn it.
There are about 20, and weirdly most of them are Aliens vs. Predator combo attacks. The ones specific to the license are so bad I once mistook my copy of Predator: Concrete Jungle for a bowel movement I’d recently completed. There were a ton of Predator games put out on mobile devices for some reason and Aliens: Infestation did surprise and delight, so let’s take a look at thos- Nope. Nope. Nope.
The crossover stuff with Ridley’s xenomorphs is where it’s at, insofar as it is at anywhere you would conceivably want to be for anything other than nurturing post-modern malaise. These double acts are the better ones, and the same can even be said of Aliens. Maybe, in a severely meta turn of events, one needs the other in order to thrive – much like a huggyfacehugger requires your face and then your makeshift womb to produce the most phallic rape symbology ever to go over the heads of movie-goers everywhere.
I have stupid-vivid memories of spending all of someone else’s pocket money on Aliens vs. Predator at the arcade. You know, the scrolling beat ‘em up one, not the millions of other ones with exactly the same name. It is the most badass thing. You could even play as budget Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Or an actual predator, if for some reason that was your jam (IT WAS EVERYONE’S JAM). The fights we had over who got to be the lobster man in the brown armour who had a bigger killing stick than the other lobster man in white. This is the only time I can ever remember being remotely into a Predator game and, really, this thinghas nothing at all to do with the license at all. It’s pretty much Final Fight in a Predator onesie.
Maybe that is also the key. Aliens and Predator are such powerful aesthetics. Their respective narratives receive only the most intense grooming in terms of epic one-liners that may be handed down from dork lord to son of dork lord. In the case of the latter, said narratives are just about ancillary. Really, they just need to look and feel right.