Toby reaches out to North Korea's leader to thank him on behalf of the FPS industry.
By Toby McCasker on April 4, 2013 at 4:47 pm
Even though this completely legitimate open letter has most likely been penned from the perspective of an American person, I must thank you. I must thank you for readying your weapons of mass nuclear destruction for pointage at my home. Let me explain, and tell you a little bit about myself in the process. I’m middle-aged and pale and probably male, and I have a great job. It’s a great job but also a frustrating one at times. I help make video games.
Do you know this thing, video games? I understand you guys have yet to find a reliable dial-up provider over there so please excuse any offense I may have just caused. I don’t mean to be patronising, but I like to be thorough. It’s part of my job in video games. I write stories for them. A very specific type of them, called “shooters” or, if I am at a dinner party which is never, “first-person shooters.” I feel you would enjoy this genre of video game greatly.
Except for maybe Homefront.
Thing is, Kim, I’ve been writing stories for shooting games for a long time. We all have. Just between you and me – and I know you kind of have no choice but to keep this confidential, I guess, I read recently the rollerblade craze is just starting to ignite the streets of Pyongyang – I’ve run out of ideas. You know, I have to write these games, and of course America has to be the guiding light. Of course.
I’m not saying we’re not better than you – we are, I mean I’d forgotten what a rollerblade even was until today – but variety is the spice of life, Kim. You of all people will understand th- anyway a guiding light isn’t even a light without some darkness to patriotise at, right? And that darkness, Kim. It’s always Russians this, Middle Easterners that. Germany or Vietnam if someone else only recently got to our two first-round draft picks first (bit of a b-ball joke for you there).
The brass insists. I’ve tried to shake up the status quo. I have. I thought to myself, we could do anything we want with the Democratic Republic of Congo. Anything. But they’re a long way away from rollerblades, even. You need the wheel for that. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve knelt against my bunk at the studio praying for an outrageous new foreign guy with signature grooming and nuclear weapons. That’s the only way it’s going to pass inspection. You know this word, “inspection?” Of course you do!
I apologise again for any offense caused, it’s just that you have ushered in a very exciting time for the games industry. Yours and my clear cultural differences aside, we now come full-circle and maybe this is unexpected: Thank you, Kim, for giving myself and hundreds of others something else to write about. Not only have you single-handedly greenlit Homefront 2, you have rescued an entire genre from continually villifying countries who are now quite nice or at least pleasingly subdued.
I know how much you love our NBA. It is my personal mission to write in a ballin’-ass mini-game for you by any means necessary. Rodman hair DLC. It’s the least I can do.
- Some guy