Ten surprising facts that may change your mind about this over-hyped game.
By Tim Colwill on April 5, 2013 at 10:17 am
Everyone’s all gushing about how great BioShock Infinite is, but here at games.on.net, we’re not buying into the hype. We’ve turned away the Doritos delivery truck and poured our Mountain Dew down the sink. “No more!” we said loudly. You see, we recognise that games need to be ruthlessly criticised and nitpicked and torn apart, especially ones like BioShock which just don’t get it. So here’s the top ten reasons why gamers should stay far, far away from Irrational and 2K’s latest creation.
1. It’s not even set in the real world
You’re looking at BioShock. You’re looking at the screens. You’re thinking “A city in the clouds? What the hell warzone is this?” Well, don’t be fooled my friends. This game doesn’t take place in some craphole Thirdworldistan. It’s a city in the sky, dude. It’s weird. How do they even float? Do birds poop on them up there? It doesn’t even make sense. And then you think — wait, it’s an American city, right? So some random middle-easterners are going to invade it? Get all terrorist up in that? Doesn’t happen. Just doesn’t happen. Zero terrorists. Un-be-goddamn-lievable. Who are you supposed to shoot if not terrorists?
2. Your AI companion doesn’t even need your protection
Ugh. We’ve spent years playing games with dumbass AI companions who need to be nursemaided through every combat scenario. We’ve spent hours preparing, training to get our stupid AI squad buddies into the right place just so we can pass a scripted set-piece battle. Then BioShock Infinite comes along and gives you this AI companion who, what? Runs around with you in a believable fashion? Looks around and interacts with the world? Stays out of trouble when the fighting starts? Makes you feel things?
Jesus, doesn’t anybody else remember when you’d be playing GoldenEye 007 back on the 64, and Natalya would just walk in front of your bullets and you’d end up shooting her right in her stupid face and you’d be like “ARGH YOU STUPID IDIOT” and fling your controller at the cat? Doesn’t anybody else remember those days? Thanks for TRASHING MY CHILDHOOD, Irrational.
3. You’ll want to pay attention to what’s going on
So you get home and you sit down and you just want to switch off, right, because you’ve had a hard day at the office and the boss says you have to stop peeing in the women’s bathroom and yes, this is your final warning. But you can’t switch off when you’re playing BioShock Infinite, because somebody had to go and made a plot that’s actually worth paying attention to. Suddenly, it’s all “I care about Elizabeth this” and “I wonder what happens next that” and then BAM! Suckered in like an idiot. That’s what you get for playing a game with a story. NEVAR FORGET.
4. You’ll have to think about the ending and share it with your friends
When was the last time you finished a military shooter and wanted to talk about the ending with your bros? Never. That’s goddamn right. You finish that up and you drop it like a hot potato. Next time you see your bro, you won’t be all like “Man, remember that ending when I totally beat the terrorists?” Hell no. But if you play BioShock, you won’t have a choice. You’ll be all swapping theories and drawing diagrams like some kind of nerd. Is that what you want? Is it? Of course not.
5. There are no quick-time events
Oh my GOD, Irrational. What were you thinking? Going against years of accepted industry wisdom? Even Tomb Raider had the good sense to put in quick-time events, and you didn’t put a single-one in your entire goddamn game? I think the closest you came was maybe one time where I had to press E to mangle a dude’s face with my weird motor arm? I don’t know about you my friends, but I love quick-time events and I’ll be mashing buttons until the day I die. This is an absolute deal-breaker for me. Disgusting.
6. There’s not a single US marine
Do I even need to explain this? Is a game even worth playing if you can’t play as a US marine? Of course not. Jesus.
7. There’s not even a single driving or turret sequence
I played this stupid game from beginning to end and didn’t see a single god-damn one. Is that even allowed? Are games allowed to do that? Thanks a lot, Obama. You know I don’t think I even saw a jeep. Not even one. I thought this game was supposed to be about how great America is?
8. There’s no dubstep
How am I supposed to enjoy a bloody shooter if I can’t have my dubstep. Those two go hand in hand. Dubstep and guns. It’s like the holy trinity or whatever, except there’s two of them. And you know what there is instead? Songs like Tainted Love! Tainted Love. What were the losers who made this game even smoking? BioShock Infinite is set in 1912 and Marilyn Manson didn’t even write Tainted Love until 2001. Check your facts, Irrational.
9. Where are the boobs
I’ve been through this game with a fine-toothed boob-comb my friends, and here’s the facts: I didn’t see a single boob. Sure, I guess Elizabeth’s got a low-cut top or whatever but you can’t see anything, so that doesn’t count. Then there’s this scientist chick who shows up a whole pile — no boobs. Some random girl enemies come at you dressed like Columbia — no boobs there, either. And there’s this Daisy Fitzroy chick there, too, and she KEEPS HER SHIRT ON FOR THE WHOLE STUPID GAME. There’s not a single goddamn boob anywhere in this boob-forsaken game. It’s like Irrational don’t even respect women.
10. It’s just so weird and different
I’m sure some people like to play their stupid weird games where there’s no biological weapons or terrorists or whatever, but I’m not one of them. I know what games are supposed to be like, and buddy, this isn’t it. I don’t want to be thinking while I’m playing, or sympathising with some well-written and interesting NPC, or stopping to look at the stupid view because it’s just so bloody gorgeous or whatever. That’s not what gaming is about. So disappointed.
You can watch our very scathing BioShock Infinite video review right here.