It's time to turn the tables on terrible game > movie adaptations.
By Toby McCasker on January 16, 2013 at 3:52 pm
It’s 2013 and we’re not dead but we could be, and for that we should be thankful. We could always be dead, I guess. The other night I heard a chick saying the white light you allegedly see on your way out is, in fact, your newly reincarnated baby self emerging from the womb of your newly acquired mum. I don’t know, I think you’re just dead, hey.
That means you only get so much time with which to game while alive, and so this year I would like to make a few suggestions to Activision, and 2K, and Gearbox, and all those people who make games that go boom. These few suggestions hinge on but one overarching suggestion (imperative), and that is:
On Uwe Boll, mostly. Stop letting movies make themselves outta you and get Soviet Russia on that thing: make random movies into games. Not licensed tie-ins blah blah, gross. No. As in, let us actively plumb the glorious history of violent cinema and exploit it for personal gain. The Hollywood reboot mentality given a gaming twist. Desecrate them. Desecrate them like Spielberg and George Lucas desecrated old Indiana Jones that one time. Like Falling Down:
Jilted office workers, nice. Although I think Postal III and to a lesser extent the Grand Theft Auto stuff do an OK job of simulating life on the collared edge already. It’s not exact, but never mind. We’ll move on. I was also thinking maybe Escape From L.A. Shut down America!
But then, Hideo Kojima has kind of stolen a lot from Snake “Call Me” Plissken already and maybe this wouldn’t be at all fair. You guys ever notice that Kojima steals a lot from just about everywhere? Like, Snatcher was basically just Blade Runner but stupider. This man is considered a gaming auteur. Speaking of stealing, I think I’ve got it:
Right, so. Far as I know, Point Break: The Game of the Quite Old Movie does not yet exist. This could be big, guys. Especially if they get all the actors back to do the voices: Keanu Reeves, Gary Busse, Patrick Sway- ummm. Actually, with respect to the man, I don’t think we can move forward with this project. I loved Ghost. I’m sorry, Mr. Kotick. Yes, I know. I know. You were really looking forward to Guatemala this year. But sir, I- sir? Sir. I’m seeing Lori Petty in her prime here and I’ve thought of a brilliant follow-up on this. Hear me out:
Bobby hung up on me then and I didn’t blame him. Tank Girl was all wrong, he said, it was too much fun. And so I was out of a job, like I had been many times before. This is Australia and all a man needs is a fairly average idea, though. While I am not a man I have average ideas, and this last one I assure you is potted chromium: