Sitrep: It’s time to turn the tables on terrible video game movies

BloodRayne

By on January 16, 2013 at 3:52 pm

It’s 2013 and we’re not dead but we could be, and for that we should be thankful. We could always be dead, I guess. The other night I heard a chick saying the white light you allegedly see on your way out is, in fact, your newly reincarnated baby self emerging from the womb of your newly acquired mum. I don’t know, I think you’re just dead, hey.

That means you only get so much time with which to game while alive, and so this year I would like to make a few suggestions to Activision, and 2K, and Gearbox, and all those people who make games that go boom. These few suggestions hinge on but one overarching suggestion (imperative), and that is:

Take revenge.

On Uwe Boll, mostly. Stop letting movies make themselves outta you and get Soviet Russia on that thing: make random movies into games. Not licensed tie-ins blah blah, gross. No. As in, let us actively plumb the glorious history of violent cinema and exploit it for personal gain. The Hollywood reboot mentality given a gaming twist. Desecrate them. Desecrate them like Spielberg and George Lucas desecrated old Indiana Jones that one time. Like Falling Down:

Jilted office workers, nice. Although I think Postal III and to a lesser extent the Grand Theft Auto stuff do an OK job of simulating life on the collared edge already. It’s not exact, but never mind. We’ll move on. I was also thinking maybe Escape From L.A. Shut down America!

But then, Hideo Kojima has kind of stolen a lot from Snake “Call Me” Plissken already and maybe this wouldn’t be at all fair. You guys ever notice that Kojima steals a lot from just about everywhere? Like, Snatcher was basically just Blade Runner but stupider. This man is considered a gaming auteur. Speaking of stealing, I think I’ve got it:

Right, so. Far as I know, Point Break: The Game of the Quite Old Movie does not yet exist. This could be big, guys. Especially if they get all the actors back to do the voices: Keanu Reeves, Gary Busse, Patrick Sway- ummm. Actually, with respect to the man, I don’t think we can move forward with this project. I loved Ghost. I’m sorry, Mr. Kotick. Yes, I know. I know. You were really looking forward to Guatemala this year. But sir, I- sir? Sir. I’m seeing Lori Petty in her prime here and I’ve thought of a brilliant follow-up on this. Hear me out:

Bobby hung up on me then and I didn’t blame him. Tank Girl was all wrong, he said, it was too much fun. And so I was out of a job, like I had been many times before. This is Australia and all a man needs is a fairly average idea, though. While I am not a man I have average ideas, and this last one I assure you is potted chromium:

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10 comments (Leave your own)

I still insist that the Quantum Leap TV series could be a fantastic game! :D

 

Uwe-fucking-Boll.

Excuse me while I go kill myself.

 

TV series have better games I reckon as they give more creative freedom or more content to play with, like Star Wars or Star Trek for example.

I personally liked the Alien vs. Predator games and Enter the Matrix (besides the many bugs it had), Movie games on average could be so much better if they weren’t restricted to a timeline to match the movie release.

 

Alex Walker:
Uwe-fucking-Boll.

Excuse me while I go kill myself.

Pretty much this, we’ll be like lemmings at a cliff convention if Uwe Boll keeps making his “awesome” movies.

Games and movies are two different forms of expression. A movie has to sum it up in 2.5 hrs where as games have much more time and scope to do things in. Converting games to movies means hacking out a lot of stuff or simply focussing on one aspect – ie such as the shooting of aliens or the kicking of heads.

Look at Double Dragon, brilliant game that was simply about head kicking and then at the end head kicking a guy with a machine gun. Movie – awful story, awful acting, stupid plot and yet it is so hellishly enjoyable because it is simply that bad, especially, iirc, when their mum turns up to save them or whatever. By the Lord it was a bad, bad movie that should of never been made yet it was and it is masochistically enjoyable. Unlike say Mario Bros which was just, well, crap on all levels.

You see the beauty of Mario Bro’s is that I can be up to anywhere on the game, pause it and go take a crap, it’s convenient. Mario Bro’s the movie is Soviet Russia Mario Bro’s, it makes you pause to crap on you (with it’s content).

I will say this though for Mario Bro’s, at least the movie only was released once, unlike Super Mario Bro’s which was released about 80 times and still sells it’s pants off even though it’s pretty much the same game. 30 years later and It’s still jumping on a mushroom.

Edit: EDIT FUNCTION!!!!!

 

Movies and shows that would be great games.
LOTR (I know they have plenty but one spanning all three stories in one game with great graphics and atmosphere that is a semi open world that is vast and Lore friendly.

Dexter (after it ends) They could make a side story where you have numerous people to hunt and murder and forensics side Quests at crime scenes (like LA noire)

Stargate game trilogy including movie plus all 3 TV shows have the game feature the important moments

Total recall would be good.

Skyline But good as a Jason Brody character

Hunger games as a survival battle royal style game as a custom make your own character

 

Tobes, that last one is pure gold! WTB, Police Academy the Game!

 

Uwe Boll is certainly a factor here yes; but let’s not dismiss “Hollywood” and “Americanization” executive meddling which dictates what westernized audiences “should” see either.

Just recently saw the Ace Attorney movie, and it was one of the very few times I’ve been able to honestly call it a decent and faithful Game->Movie adaption.

Maybe we just need to keep these Game screenplays away from Tinseltown and give them overseas to directors and studios who are willing to take the plunge of “creating outside the box” of familiar, safe, comfort zones, that Hollywood has dug itself into.

 

When the hell are we going to get a ’300′ game?!

 
Toby McCasker

darthlondar:
Tobes, that last one is pure gold! WTB, Police Academy the Game!

Expecting a call from Bob aaany day now.

 

Never seen Falling Down – must see it now though

 
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