Tim’s Far Cry 3 video review is cool. Tim Cool-will, surely. Can I get a raise? No? That is very fair. However, during the course of his cool video, Tim heinously slew a tiger, which upset a few people. Tigers are beautiful, endangered – possibly misunderstood – creatures IRL, and Coolwill just went on out there and executed one, even going so far as to bemusedly chase its shattered body as it slid down a steep island incline. Subsequently I too was filled with righteous resolve: We can’t let Far Cry 3 have all the fun of trolling PETA.
Battlefield 3’s Callous Murder of an Innocent Rat
Speaking of PETA, they did actually kick up a massive stink about this one particular scene in Battlefield 3 when it came out. Remember that? It’s early on in the single player, which no one played anyway. You’re creeping through some rubble and all of a sudden your hand is waylaid by a tenacious rat. To be fair, our man gives it a swatting chance to back off. Then he vivisects it like it was nothing.
Fallout: New Vegas’ Endless Bestial Harvest
It’s the end days and every remaining creature, horribly irradiated or not, is precious. Just look at those brahmin, they never hurt anyone. They’re just lazin’ and grazin’. No harm no foul – until YouTuber whitenightmare309 decided to go on a killing rampage that only includes animals which, in his opinion, “look (censored) and (censored)”. From what little I understand of America, he is possibly a Republican.
Postal 3 and the Wholesale Slaughter of Science Animals
Sure, one of your weapons is a domestic shorthair with a gun stuck up its ass, but one very special little level tasks you with murderising an entire lab full of furry experiments that have allegedly gone mad. It starts modestly with monkeys and cats getting the machete treatment. Then a gorgeous rhino must be dealt with by any means necessary. “I blame Christian metal,” indeed.
Skyrim’s Big Game… Immolating
In the absence of guns man must turn to his most embyronic of human offensive tools, that being either some form of hefty club or fire. In this case it’s fire, because there is absolutely nothing funnier  than setting terrified herbivores alight and breathing in the sweet, hilarious fumes of their swiftly blackening hides. Canada, take note: Spare the rod and instead torch the baby seals. An award-winning sitcom will follow
Cabela’s Actual Big Game Hunting
Right, well. You don’t even have to ad-lib at all here seeing as these games are all about ruthlessly hunting the entire cast of The Jungle Book with high-powered telescopic rifles. It doesn’t get much worse than this. Here, watch. Some people get extremely excited playing this game. I like the bits where they scream in triumph as the last doe-eyed creature falls to an onslaught of .308 Winchester, which incidentally you can also stock up on from Cabela’s. PS. We are all doomed as a civilisation.
No, No, Wait: It Gets Worse
I lied to you. Here we have a man shooting Bambi between the eyes with a double-barrelled shotgun. Thumbs up, guy. You deserved it. Now return to base, there’s a sparrow with a broken wing that needs treading on. You’re a monster.