Sitrep: Gaming’s biggest Action Heroes are surprisingly boring on Twitter

Twitter parody accounts can be awesome. In video games land, Peter Molydeux is probably the best-known and most cleverly satirical. Ever more amusing can be accounts based on fictional characters, like Commander Shepard and his periodically terrible ideas for weaponry design (“New gun idea: A gun shaped like a shark that chomps down when you pull the trigger, but in the end it’s not a gun, it’s actually a shark.”).

It’s for this reason and because I’m a massive idiot with way too much time on my hands, I got to thinking: What about the rest of them?  What about the people who either have action hero names naturally, or have just chosen to take them as their handle?

The truth, as it turned out, was even worser than fiction.

Max Payne

Not actually Max Payne, but a seemingly militant Christian who is said to derive his strength directly from God. He needs to wear contact lenses. Has also hashtagged “FreakNasty” in his bio.

Frank Woods

Call of Duty’s biggest bro reveals himself as a concerned British citizen who exists solely to monitor the rise and continuing rise of petrol and fuel prices. The likelihood that whoever this is has penned many a sternly-worded electronic mail to his local council on the matter of too few bins at the train station is high.

Nomad

Less a weary super-soldier and more some kind of obscure German musician, he also doesn’t many any sense, at all: “my mum used to tha it i’m a genius in the sense of being lazy…” is his introduction to the world. Still uses MySpace, is a practical artiste: “painting.. avoiding the pain-ting.”

Point Man

Less a bearded slow-mo wunderkind and more a topless, alleged producer and audio engineer who claims he can “write yuh next #HIT.” I was sold instantly, and am currently on my way to dropping some mad tracks in the studes with a bottle of Evian in one hand and a 20-something hardbody on both arms.

Marcus Fenix

The most electrifyingly testosteronic man in video game entertainment today also counts Linkin Park, Green Day, Maroon 5, Nickelback, and One Direction amongst his favourite bands, like, ever. Is also a “Belieber.” At the time of writing, his most recent tweet is directed at @justinbieber and also slightly worrying: “justin plaese I beg you please.”

Gordon Freeman

Unlike 99% of these other rubes, this looks like it could be Gordon Freeman actually. He’s done very well in the recent Olympics, it seems, having allegedly won gold medals in the Air Boat River Slalom and Hunter-Chopper RPG Skeet events. Insists you try Pole Vault with a crowbar.

Duke Nukem

Now we’re getting somewhere, and we’re kicking it old school. Just look at that display pic, that takes me back to my primary school’s 486 and the very naughty loading up of illicit software onto it for stealth play at lunchtimes. Occasionally, Twitter  Duke’s softer side shines through: “I love the soft sound of rain in the early evening … I mean strippers! I love strippers.”

Adam Jensen

There is some Eidos dev or something masquerading as Adam Jensen, but he/she’s boring as winged mammalian effluence and I never asked for any of that. Instead, I look to Adam Jensen, lead guitar player for the band Forever The Day. Lots of rad haircut bands built on three words going around right now: Miss May I, Pierce The Veil, While She Sleeps, All Time Low, Sleeping With Sirens. The number of the counting shall indeed be three.

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